Cinderella and the Seven Little Dwarfs

Skriven 19 augusti 1999
Tillägnad min syster Johanna

Once upon a time there was a naughty, ill-bred girl. She was named Cinderella.
Cinderella had not been brought up properly, with that firm hand a girl of her character needs. Her greatest fault was her behaviour towards boys. Whenever she met one, she would flirt with him so outrageously that none of them could resist her. Not even grown up men were able refuse her attentions.
All Cinderella's relatives and friends were embarrassed. They could not go anywhere public together with her, for they knew that wherever they went she would find one, two, or sometimes even three different boys (not simultaneously of course, she would flirt with them one at a time). It never failed.
Cinderella was still only quite young, and nothing worse than a few innocent kisses had ever passed between her and her captures. She would grow older, however, and everybody feared the worst.

One day Cinderella went out for a walk in the woods. She loved taking walks, especially among people where she could find new boys to hit on, but the forest was usually empty and peaceful, and of course less interesting to her. It was her mother's idea that she should go. She had told Cinderella that she must visit her grandmother, who was ill and lived all by herself far away. Cinderella could not refuse such a scheme, for she was a good girl deep down. Rather reluctantly however, did Cinderella put on her red hood, take the basket with cookies and tea, and begin her walk.
After about half an hour the dark forest opened up somewhat. The tall pines and spruces gave way to birches and high grass with flowers and other herbs. On a large rock sat Snowwhite and wept forlornly.
"What's the matter?" asked Cinderella. Snowwhite looked up and wiped her face.
"M-my fiancee b-broke up with me", sobbed she and looked at Cinderella with sad eyes, all red and runny from crying.
"Oh", said Cinderella. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"He is one of the three b-bears", said Snowwhite and sniffed. "H-he says he doesn't love me anymore!" She burst out in tears again.
"Don't cry", said Cinderella kindly. "There are plenty of fish in the sea! You will find another man. You deserve better than a stupid teddy bear anyway. Talking of teddy bears... I heard Pooh is available still. Why don't you go hit on him?"
"I don't want another bear. I want my bear! There's nobody like him. I can never love anybody as much as I do him!"
Cinderella wondered what to answer. She had never had any long and serious relationships and could not understand what it felt like when such ended.
Then Minnie Mouse and her boyfriend Mickey came by.
"Pluto!" called Mickey and whistled. The dog barked and came running towards them. When Pluto saw Cinderella and Snowwhite he waved his tale happily and licked Snowwhite all over her face. She smiled and looked a bit happier.
"What's the matter?" asked Minnie and looked at Snowwhite. "You have been crying. Is there anything I can do?"
Cinderella was not needed there anymore. Snowwhite was among friends now, so she hugged her goodbye and continued walking.

About half an hour later Cinderella entered a small village. The houses where mushroom sized with white dots painted on their roofs. A tiny bridge crossed a tiny river that surrounded the village on two sides.
"Gosh, it's that smurfy girl Cinderella!" called a small voice. Cinderella looked down at the owner of the voice, who was about three apples tall and blue. He wore white cap and pants.
"Wow, Cinderella's here!" cried another tiny voice. "How smurfy! I bet she has come to flirt with me!"
"No, with me!" yelled a third little creature.
"Papa Smurf says one mustn't flirt, for it's smurfy to flirt and flirting smurfs get smurfed eventually", said a third one who wore glasses. "We should be smurfing instead of flirting with smurfs, for Papa Smurf always says..." He was here interrupted by a fourth one with a big club who hit him straight in the head. Cinderella smiled broadly.
"Why, hello, guys!" she said and winked to one of them. He giggled happily and winked back.
"Here, I have smurfed you a present!"
"Err, I think I'll have to pass the present", answered Cinderella quickly. "I'm kind of in a hurry. You can give it to me another time." She waved and continued walking, and carefully avoided stepping on a house.

Soon after the miniature village Cinderella met the Big Bad Wolf. He stood in the middle of the track and pondered about whether he should eat the three little pigs or go catch Grandma.
"Can I help you?" asked Cinderella and smiled at him. "Oh, and by the way, do you come here often?" She fluttered her eyebrows sensually and admired his long furry hair. But then she remembered her important errand and after exchanging phone numbers with him she went on.

She had not been walking long before she came to another small village. It had only three houses. One was made of straw, one of sticks and one of bricks. As she passed through the village one plump, pink head looked out from each house. It was the three little pigs. They sang to her:
"Why, isn't it Cinderella who's coming now?
we hope she can stay the night, oh wow,
like she did one time before,
we want mo-mo-more!"
"Um, nice song", said Cinderella, somewhat confused. "I'm afraid I can't stay though." She paused. "Maybe I'll have time for just one kiss." She looked at the handsomest of the pigs, the one who lived in the straw house, and licked her lips invitingly. He hurried out, dragged her into his house and gave her a passionate kiss. Finally Cinderella decided she had to leave, and with many promises of regular correspondence and lots of phone calls she closed the straw door behind her.

Grandma's house was not far off now, and Cinderella started to walk faster. Suddenly a sound made her halt her pace. It sounded as a man choir singing in a church or somewhere else where the acoustics were good. Curious Cinderella followed the sound. She went off the track and into the dark forest. Needles covered the ground and stung her feet and low branches hit her in the face, but she went on steadily. Soon a mountain blocked her way. On one side of it was a big, black opening with a small railroad track leading into it. On a log outside the cave sat a happy dwarf and stamped his foot to the beat of the music. He smiled friendly at her.
"Hey, yo! Baby!" cried Cinderella and gestured to him to come. The dwarf smiled broader. He rose and joined her.
"What's a nice, young lady like you doin' out in the forest all by herself?" asked he.
"Oh, I'm just strolling around..." she shrugged. "Who's singing?"
"It's my brothers workin' in the mine. You like it, miss?"
"Oh, yes! You sing terrific!" Cinderella smiled seductively. "What's your name?"
"I'm Happy", answered he and moved closer to her with a little laugh.
"I'm Cinderella", said she and squatted to be the same height as him. She touched his long, white hair. "I just love your hair!" she added.
"Really?" He laughed in a flattered way and removed his cap. "Why, thank you miss! Yours sure ain't too bad either."
Very soon they were entangled in a close hug and kissed passionately until the footsteps of another dwarf coming out of the mine roused them.
"Um, meet my bro Sleepy", said Happy. "Cinderella, this is Sleepy. Sleepy - Cinderella."
"A pleasure to meet you." He yawned, showing all his teeth. "I've come to release you Happy. It's my watch now." Happy smiled, giggled and waved joyfully to Cinderella.
"See you another time, miss!" he said and left. Happy had not been gone long, however, before Cinderella embraced Sleepy quite as tenderly as she had done him only a moment ago.
In this way Cinderella continued, and she had soon cuddled with each and every one of the seven little dwarfs. She would probably had stayed there all day long, had not a hunter who was a close friend of Grandma come by.
"Why, Cinderella! I'm surprised to find you here when your grandmother is ill and wonders where on earth you are! Your mother called her when you set out and that was hours ago!" The hunter looked sternly at her. He was exceedingly handsome with dark, curly hair and hazel eyes. Cinderella looked at him with puppy eyes.
"Aw, I'm really sorry! I completely forgot!" She tried to sound regretful and ashamed. "Don't be angry with me, please..." The hunter, however, was different from other men. He was a clever, educated man and saw through Cinderella's facade. He understood that all she really wanted was to feel popular and pretty. She was not interested in any serious relationships.
"Come on", he said coldly and led the way.

Cinderella was confused. This had never happened to her before. What was wrong with the hunter? Why was it impossible to flirt with him? And why was he so darn handsome? Maybe he was gay. She mused over the puzzle all the way to Grandma's house.
When they entered the small cottage they heard voices. Grandma must have guests, thought Cinderella as she removed her hood and dirty shoes. She entered the bedroom. It was full of people. In the armchairs sat Roger Rabbit, Bugs Bunny and Taz, idly chatting with Goldylocks, Lucky Luke and Robinson Crusoe in the sofa. On a chair by her grandmother's bed sat Dr. Dolittle, carefully examining her throat. From the kitchen she heard Pippi Longstocking ask loudly if anybody wanted more pancakes. What a crowd!
Grandma was very glad to see Cinderella.
"It's been such a long time since your last visit, child", said she. "It's always such a pleasure to have you here. And you know how happy Grandpa gets when you play Rummy with him once in a while."
"Heh", said Cinderella. "My sister Belle loves to play Rummy with him, and she comes here all the time."
"Yes, yes, but that's not the same, dear", said Grandma firmly. "You keep visiting your old grandparents, you hear that?" Then she smiled like only she could, and Cinderella felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

Some weeks passed, and Cinderella matured rapidly. One day she felt that she no longer wished to have short flirts with dozens of different boys. She realised that what she really needed was a steady relationship with an intelligent, educated and gentle man with a sense of humour. And preferably a handsome one too. She knew but one such man: the hunter. Unluckily for her, he had recently married her wise, older sister Belle.
Cinderella grew desperate and went out to the woods again to find a mate. First she met a smurf.
"Cinderella! How smurfy! Give me one of your smurfy kisses, will ya?"
She did, of course. After a few kisses she pulled back and tried to be serious and talk about a relationship.
"Relationship? Since when do you smurf about relationships? I thought we were gonna be smurfing around as usual. I'm not sure I smurf this seriousness at all!" He tried to kiss her again, but she pulled back. He was obviously not the right guy for her.

Cinderella continued and after a while she came to the three little pigs. This time she chose the owner of the brick house, for she knew him to be wiser than his brothers. It might have worked too, had he not known her from before. He could not believe that she had actually changed, and submitted only to some harmless flirting and fooling around. Cinderella soon left the pig's house and continued searching.

Days became weeks and weeks became months, and still Cinderella had nobody to love and cherish. Her reputation made nobody willing to commit themselves to her. She could not even get complete strangers to fall in love with her, because she did not know how to make them interested in a serious relationship. She knew only one way to attract the opposite sex, and that was by flirting with them. She had never learned how to make friends with them first, make them get to know her and love her for what was beyond her looks and outer appearance.
Finally there was but one solution for Cinderella: she married Dopey. He was the only male in her acquaintance who was dumb enough to enter a relationship with a girl of her kind.

The End


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